Yesterday, I was optimistic and I felt like everything's going well...

Today, I was a bit nostalgic.. I don't know if I'll hate myself for this, but then I realized why should I?

It's true that I remember everything...

• those sunny mornings when I have to use the sun to get closer to you (coz I know you'll be holding the umbrella for me when I could just use my sunglasses)...
• those drinking sessions when you've become soo familiar with what I want... a few bottles of red horse and any food that has squid on it.
• the moments you would "take care" of me when I can't walk up straight and I drank too much.
• the times you would deliver the punch line wrong... I'll make face and roll my eyeballs because I don't know how to hold back my laughter. (sa sobrang kakornihan)
• the time you were experiencing terrible toothache and I would constantly call my sister to ask for effective pain reliever or what you should do so you won't feel the pain again... but after drinking those pain relievers you would tell me you still haven't visited the dentist yet. I would scold you for not doing so because you keep on complaining that occassionally, you're tooth would hurt...
• that night when I noticed that you're not okay, you told us you don't want to eat... but I felt that it would be better if I'll buy you something to eat, since that's the least I could do to make you feel better...
• that hug, which I don't know how long it lasted, but made my world stop and made me feel that we've seized the distance between us...

Yes, these are moments that I can't forget... but these are also the moments that have become memories...

Memories that come crashing through... but contrary to the lyrics of a famous song, I CAN GO ON WITHOUT YOU...

Yes, I opened myself to someone like you... I trusted you because I thought you will be worth it... I expected a lot...

Whenever I see you then, my heart would feel like it's going to burst with pain... It became so hard for me to breathe...

Those were the times I would just cry... because that's the only thing I could do... I was thinking that you were also facing your own dilemma and it's selfish of me to bother you with these stupid feelings.

What hurt me the most was... with you, everything's normal... with you, you never care even if you already knew what I am going through...

That was the time I stopped thinking about you.. what you are going through.. or if you were also in pain... I started to pick up the pieces... I started to put things back the way they used to be... that was the time I realized that I have cared so much for the people who don't even care...

I tried to hold on a couple of times... maybe I was wrong.. or maybe I was reacting too much... or maybe just maybe...

the pain was excruciating I can't even get up from bed nor report to work nor wanted to comb my hair...

but I woke up one morning and just realized that I couldn't hold on to the memories we had... nor to the words you said...

after spending some "me" time, I've realized a lot of things...

• I was hurting because I can't let go... I was hurting because I can't forgive... and I refused to forget...
• I can't move on because I can't decide which path I would go... in short, I don't know what I want...
• how can I handle difficult situations when I don't have that close relationship with God
• PRIDE gets in the way always.
• I'm choosing friendship, but now.. I can't do it yet... because there's still love...

I can't hold on to those memories anymore... but we can make better memories without expectations... and with pure friendship... but now, it's hard to do... it's better to deal with our own issues this way than enjoy and make me expect some more...

we can be GOOD FRIENDS, and not meant to be MORE THAN THAT =)

While there are a lot of people who are optimistic on finding the right one so that they can be taken cared of, there are few who push people away from their lives...

What are the possible reasons for this?

-- there are people who find it difficult to open their hearts up due to past experiences that have hurt them.

-- there are people who are afraid of opening up then finally opened up but betrayed.

-- too much stubborness, too much independence, too much self-reliance, too much pride.

-- fear of rejection and failure.

Finally, that question-for-yourself question in Bolinao has been answered...