For quite some time now, all I did when faced with a computer or laptop was just to stare blankly at the monitor... It's difficult that I know myself well. I'm the type who would write down everything just to make myself feel a bit better. I wanted to write everything, but I'm afraid it might not help me. Thus, countless moments of self struggle.

But I don't know why this time, my fingers involuntarily touched the keyboard and started typing words.  

I remember a friend told me that when my heart is broken, nobody has the right to judge me for bringing the pieces back together. I thought I will never ever make the same mistake again. I thought I will never be faced with the same scenario. I loved and lost, but as Megamind said, there is a benefit to losing because you get to learn from your mistakes. But what happened to me? It seems like I never learned.

I can't even put into words the pain I felt. I blamed myself for trusting too much, for believing that someone like him would love and appreciate someone like me (it must be low self-confidence on my part). I have given my best not to hurt him in any way because I know how it feels to have my heart broken... and he's been through a lot. I failed to see and protect myself from that fall because I was too busy protecting him. I've been here... and he's a different person... oo, nagmahal ako.

I thought of fighting for it... But with the turn of events, it became too painful. I feel like I was shattered into million pieces. And there's nothing left for me to fight for. I admit, I still wanted a fresh start then, but I just decided to shut down and walk away.. to never talk to him again after the confession, tension, issues, gossips. I thought, when talking has failed & words no longer have meaning, this is when you know it is over. It's always okay to walk away from something that hurts.

But, yes, reality will slap you on your face. Hard. Real Hard. You can't imagine how hard it was. It was a thing I never expected.

All the more that I can't forgive myself for loving a person I thought was heaven sent. I was being too hard on myself. But throughout the process, I always ask for God's grace. Since I know this is His will, I asked for the strength to accept everything.. and to forgive myself... and to see the wisdom behind it. Pinasa-Diyos ko na lang ang lahat.

Today, I can't tell that I've fully recovered from it. Sometimes, I would wake up from a bad dream in the middle of my sleep... But I found refuge in God. Whenever I feel sad, or hurt, or it stings, I whisper a prayer and would patiently wait til I'm at peace again. I owe my strength to my family, my friends, and those people I never expected who were there for me.

Forgiving oneself and forgiving those who hurt you in the past takes time... The process and the road to forgiveness is never easy, but I know it's possible.

I just have to walk away and never look back. Learn from what happened. Reserve something for yourself always. Love yourself more than anyone else and charge everything to experience.

I wanted to end this with a quote from a movie, "To forgive is to move forward..."